When I was a youth pastor, I was leading a youth camp with my wife, and we found out one of the young teenage girls was self-harming. We called her parents and they took her home. She was livid at us and screamed at us “I thought you were supposed to be my friends”. I said “you have many friends, but we are your pastors”. Sometimes pastors try and be the friends of their church members, and it doesn’t always end well.
I am not saying be unfriendly, I am not saying hide yourself away, fly in and preach and fly out. There is a ditch on both sides of the road here – you are supposed to be the pastor, you are supposed to command some honour and respect, but you are not supposed to be nasty, mean, selfish and foolish. You do not say “you better respect me or else” – but you live in a way that brings respect. People in your church have loads of friends, but you are the one who feeds them, teaches them, preaches to them, brings life and power and the gifts to them, ministers to them, equips them, lifts them, and pastors them.
You cannot go around everyone’s house just to have dinner with them or a nice cup of tea. It does not work – they will sit there and tell you everything wrong with you, your wife and the whole church. They will tell you all the things you should be doing. There is a distance that needs maintained.
You know the pastor does not have to stand around after church and shake everyone’s hand. Let me tell you a secret – no one at the end of the church wants to shake your hand and say thank you for that awesome, wonderful, glorious message. They want to go home and eat their lunch The people who will queue to meet you on Sunday are much more likely to preach to you than thank you for preaching to them.
Of course as a pastor, you fellowship with your congregation, you bless them – but your ministry is not measured by how well you visit people and have tea with them, it is measured by how well you preach, teach and equip them to minister. It is measured by the good food you feed them.
I have noticed the ones that want your one-to-one time the most are the people who are not with the church programme. They are not regular in attendance, they are not at the conferences, they are not in small groups, they do not tithe, they turn up late, they don’t listen during the sermon, they are simply not involved. They mistakenly see the role of the pastor as their friend, as someone to get in the pit with them and feel sorry for them. I have had people expect me to find them a job, stop them feeling lonely, even fix their washing machine. But these people are the same people who will not allow me to teach them how win in life, will miss church because they are tired, and “don’t do small groups” as if that dismisses everything.
We need to ensure that we do not let the people determine our job description, we have to let the Word determine that, and our job is not dress up as a sheep and make them like us, our job is to lead people to green pastures and still waters, and prepare a feast for them in the presence of their enemies, and ensure their cup is running over. That’s what you do.
Inspiring and Challenging Dreamers 