After laying the foundation that part of our role as leaders is to be blameless, to live a life where accusations do not stick, to care for others in our lifestyle, Paul immediately jumps to male-female relationships. I believe more church leaders, whether deacons, small group leaders, or national level leaders, have lost their credibility, their reputation, their influence, their ministry for missing this and messing up here than anywhere else. I’m sure anyone reading this is thinking of some major leader in the body of Christ who has forfeited their ministry for some form of sexual immorality. Some scandal that was both shocking and the ripples went far. But it can happen in a small group as well, it can happen with the deacon in charge of the tea rota as well!
Now in the King James Bible, Paul says “the husband of one wife” (Titus 1.6) which immediately opens up the question – can a man who is divorced be a pastor, can a man who remarried be a pastor, does this verse mean that only men can be pastors? Without taking this all to pieces and going off track, no that’s not what Paul was saying at all. What the literal Greek says is a “one woman man”. You see I have met married men who are not a one woman man, I have met married men who have one wife, but more than one woman. That’s going to disqualify you from Christian leadership.
Right now in the church, there are many issues regarding the LGBTQ+ movement, and how the church should respond, and I praise God that many Christians and many preachers are raising a bold call to state that all of these behaviours are sinful and against God’s plan. But to be honest, it is not often that people in the church are engaged in these behaviours, even though it does happen. But on the other hand, it is fairly common that people who are living together and unmarried come to church. That’s great – I want everyone to feel welcome in church, I want everyone to belong. But being part of the community is not being in leadership. We need to let our churches know that God has standards and Paul enforces those standards in church leadership.
For leaders, the divine principles go back to Genesis, sex is for marriage, marriage is for life, and marriage is one (biological) male and one (biological) female. We cannot appoint a leader who is not committed to this standard. We cannot allow them to influence others. The Bible does not say slowly and gently walk away from sexual immorality, it says flee! Run at top speed in the opposite direction (1 Cor. 6.18). We are expected to obey this! It’s New Covenant!
Why is Paul so strong on this behaviour? Because it can destroy churches! It can destroy communities! It can destroy marriages! It can destroy lives! As a pastor, I have had to deal with far too many situations where this kind of behaviour is so destructive and has hurt so many people.
Imagine a man in the church, he is a great man, outgoing, friendly, enthusiastic, a great communicator. But you also notice he is a bit of a flirt. He says things that could be taken more than one way, he has a special smile for the ladies. You like him and think he would be a good leader, and in terms of personality and gifts, he probably would. But because in his heart, whether is married or not, he is not a one-woman man, you have just given him a reason and excuse to call the ladies in the evening, to have them come round his house, to spend time with them, to help them with their chores, and to misuse his position.
As a side note, I am very wary of any man who feels he has a ministry to women, especially to young or vulnerable women. Several times in my life, some man has attempted to tell me he has a ministry to young ladies, or abused ladies, and I have shut that down straight away. Paul actually tells us in Titus 2 that the older women should teach the younger women – so that’s how that should work!
Now with all of these the past is the past, and if it has been repented of, and someone has left something in the rear view mirror, we do not have the right to get out of our car and grab it and pick it up again. But like Paul told Titus, do not appoint elders, bishops, leaders who are not one women men! It will never end well.
If you are married, the best way to embrace Paul’s wisdom here is positively. Obviously, don’t have an affair, don’t chat up other ladies, don’t watch films of other women naked on your phone, don’t have an AI girlfriend, don’t be messaging ladies late at night.
But what about making sure you are a one woman man? Go and make your wife the one-woman of your life. Go and be the man to your one woman!
Go and buy her some flowers, some jewellery, take her out on a date this week, go and get dancing lessons together, lock yourself in the bedroom for a few hours, whatever you need to do. And pray together, discuss your future vision together, serve in the local church together, value each other. Love your wife the way Christ loves the church. Aren’t you glad that Christ loves the church and isn’t about to leave us for the local mosque or Hindu temple! He is committed to us! 1 Peter 3.7 says “Husbands, be considerate as you live with your wives” – consider means to think. Think about your wife, what would make her happy – go and do that! Be a one woman man! Focus on that one woman and treat her like your queen!
I don’t believe that Paul here is not assuming that women have to watch themselves too. For one-woman man, read one-man woman and act accordingly. And no, you don’t have an Aunty ministry to the young men!
The greatest leaders in the church are often those who are married and celebrate their wife and people see they have a good marriage and godly seed – that is a very attractive force, and helps you influence people powerfully.
P.S. Sometimes as men, we struggle to spot if someone is a one woman-man or not. Ask your wife, she will know. Women normally pick up on this fairly rapidly. Now, you cannot go to someone and say “I will not make you a deacon because my wife has a feeling”, but you don’t have to appoint them either, you can wait and nothing is ever lost waiting before appointing a leader. Selah.
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