Inspiring and Challenging Dreamers

Some people will actually act like your friends when they are not your friends. They will pretend to you and to others that you and them are really close, even intimate, when they barely understand you and your heart and why you do what you do.

Over-familiarity is when you act like you are so friendly with someone, and the problem is that one of the hallmarks of true friendship is a sense of respect, and the familiar never seem to have that respect. This is the acting of the town of Nazareth, acting like they knew Jesus – “oh he is the carpenter’s son”. If all they knew about Jesus – who even at aged twelve, was impressing the people in the world most educated about the Scripture – was that he was a carpenter and they had no idea their “friend” could minister life and power, they did not even know Him at all. When you play-act to be someone’s friend, you only know the externals, so there is never any heart respect.

People have acted like my friend, but if they have no idea what I know about the Word and how I can inspire people to dream bigger, they are familiar not intimate and they are pretending and acting.

David’s wife Michal due to the marriage acted like her and David were very close, but when David started worshipping with passion and love, Michal started yelling at him and telling him he was a “vain fellow” who “shamelessly uncovereth himself” (KJV), or in more modern English: “shamelessly exposed himself to the servant girls like a vulgar man” (NLT). Michal did not really know David, her lack of admiration for his worship, her lack of respect for his integrity, and her lack of awareness that he was the king of the nation showed that she had familiarity not intimacy. She was acting close to him but was not.

When someone is acting like your friend, they will presume they know you, act on externals, but they will not respect or honour you. They will be confident around you in a way that shows a lack of respect. They will be like Michal – happy to yell at you and make insinuations about you. Michal was acting like she was part of the family, but she did not realize that the family worshipped! David was a man of passionate, enthusiastic, over-the-top, excited worship! Michal lost her respect for him and her friendship was now an act.

When someone works closely with a pastor or other minister or leader, it can be if they do not maintain and guard their heart, satan will tempt them to pretend at friendship and bring them to a place of over-familiarity. They will then act like they are friends and act like they are with you and close to you, but it will be just that – an act. This will at first show up in subtle ways.

Michal was David’s wife – she knew him well, she had known him since he was a child, and she had been naked with him, around him when he was unguarded and felt safe. Like I said in the first post on this topic, like Samson we cannot afford to sleep in the presence of actors. Michal had no respect for David, and it was obvious to anyone with any discernment by the fact she was happy to yell and make insinuations about her husband. I do not mind people correcting me or telling me I have done something wrong, but I will not let people I have promoted or platformed insult me or yell or make unfounded insinuations at me. That is over-familiarity, not intimacy.

When you see the king naked, you lose a little bit of the mystic of a man who is always wearing the most expensive robes. When you see the man when the battle is over and he just wants to rest, eat and use the bathroom, the mystic of the mighty warrior is lost. So Michal forgot about the grace of God on David, the anointing on his head, and turned on him. And do not think this does not happen in churches today! I don’t know how to say this and be polite but wives, just because you are the only woman who knows your husband can get gas, there is no need for you to then think they are not anointed. Do not be the next Michal, honour your husband. The danger of over-familiarity applies to close family and friends the most.

And this does not just apply to wives – or even just to close family – but to anyone who is allowed into the king’s palace. Learn this well: when you are working in the palace, you have to resist the temptation of over-familiarity.

In Daniel 1, when the Babylonians are looking for young men to serve, they are looking for certain qualities, for example the men need to be strong and healthy and handsome, they need to be able to learn well. But in addition, they needed to be able to be “suited to serve in the royal palace”. Some people are not suited to serve in the palace, because the temptation to presume they know the king will destroy them. And that attitude of over-familiarity meant that Jesus could not minister in Nazareth. Make no mistake, as soon as you step into over-familiarity, you lose your ability to receive miracles. I know some people who will never receive a miracle from my prayers. They have seen my feet of clay, they know I am the boy from Dagenham, and it kills my ability to minister to them. It stopped Jesus being able to lead and minister miracles in Nazareth, and it will stop you receiving where you are planted!

This is no small thing I am warning you about, it can easily be a life-or-death thing. As soon as you become over-familiar with a pastor for example, you start speaking to them with an unguarded tone, you stop respecting the grace of God on their life because you know the clay vessel more than the treasure and assume the clay means there is no real treasure, you dismiss the power of God on that person – that cuts you off from receiving from them. It meant some people in Nazareth walked into Jesus’ meetings blind and left blind. That is so sad! I know people who are blind today – they were close to me and knew me, but they mistook my clay vessel to mean I am not anointed, and they spoke to me out of turn, they corrected me in public on social media, they spoke about my flaws to others, they made baseless false insinuations about me – and they are sadly still blind, when I could have brought them to their miracle. Go and read Mark 6.1-5, and if you still have this problem, deal with it.

What can you do though as a pastor when people are overfamiliar? I know what Jesus did, he went to the next town and kept going! I know preachers who are the new cool thing, and they come to London and their meetings are standing room only, now just a few short years later they fail to get 10% of the crowd they got. They are normally more wise, more able to flow in God’s power and more effective than before, but now people are so familiar with them, they do not even bother going to their meetings! What is wrong with people! I saw a post recently on social media by someone who would not drive twenty miles to hear a certain preacher that I know they used to love. The preacher is better than ever, but they now think they have heard it all and know it all. Over-familiarity. When people stop getting excited that it is you preaching, when they do not bring their notebooks… selah!

When we have special services in Dagenham, people drive from the south coast, from Yorkshire, from all over the UK to hear me preach. But there are other people in the church in Dagenham who will not walk five minutes to a special service, they are over-familiar with me and have no idea of the treasure inside me. They are acting when they come on Sundays! It’s a reality.

I have found that one of the reasons I am close to some remarkable ministers and pastors, is that I have learned how to be in the palace and not get over-familiar. I allow the strengths of my mentors to lift me up, and when I see the clay, I just thank God that if they can do that being clay, and God can use a normal person like them, I have a fighting chance of doing what God has called me to do.

John was a great example of this in Scripture. He was so close to Jesus that when Jesus died on the cross, he adopted Jesus’ mum and took her into his family as his own mother. But John never stopped being in awe of Jesus, He never got so close that he ended up in unbelief. His relationship with Jesus was authentic. He was not trying to be buddy-buddy with him and ended up having a true authentic, not acting, friendship with him. John’s fellowship was with the Father and with His Son, Christ Jesus (1 John 1.3). If you are a pastor and find someone like that, who can be at home with you, realize you are a clay vessel, but still honour the grace and anointing on your life – grab hold of that person and encourage them. It is encouraging to me to see John did not fall into this trap, and therefore I do not have to, and nor do you!

Next week, we will look at the most vulnerable people to the temptation of over-familiarity and how to deal with it as a leader.

One of the problems of actors in the church is this – you will make a promise or do a deal or make an appointment that you will eventually regret. Once I appointed a married couple to be elders, and I found out later that they were actors. They pretended to believe things they did not (their belief structure was not orthodox Christianity, but they straight out lied about it), they pretended that they were happily married but they were not, and they pretended they supported me but were actually lying about me behind my back. I eventually had to remove them from elders, but not before their lies and behaviour had hurt several people in the church. I made a deal and appointed a leader that I regretted appointing. Because I fell for the act.

I felt kind of stupid after that, but it is nice to know I am not the only person in the world who has been conned by a religious actor. The Gibeonites pretended to have come from a country far away – they acted like travellers but they were not. Joshua actually signed a contract with them and he when he found out they were actors regretted the deal he made with them. If Joshua or myself had taken a little longer we would have not made a decision we would later have regretted. Let our examples be lessons for everyone reading about this subject. Wait and take your time.

I know people who have married an actor! Taken in by their pretending and faking. Wait a bit and think a bit and check out a bit – and marry the right person, appoint the right person as an elder, do not co-sign a loan or go into business with the wrong person! One of your greatest weapons against an actor is time because it is hard for an actor to keep playing the role for so long because it is not who they really are. If you just wait a while, something will give them away.

Three days after Joshua had made his contract with the Gibeonites, they gave themselves away and he found out they were actors. All he had to do was wait 72 hours and he would have seen through the pretense. With the elders I appointed, if I had just kept running the Bible study myself for about six more weeks, I would have found out they were teaching false doctrine and lying about me. They could not control themselves for long, no actor can. Let time be your friend if you have suspicions about someone. Do not be afraid to wait three days, or three months or even three years to make sure someone is who they say they are! Beware of promoting people who have only been around you a short time. You need to surround yourself with loyal people and promote loyal leaders. As Andrew Wommack says “Surround yourself with people safe to you!”. Some ministers do not surround themselves with a team claiming they only rely on God, and that’s not the way to do things! You need natural advisors who are loyal, people who are experts in areas such as law, technical, and so on. All pastors need good deacons! So find out who are genuine and who are actors.

People will give themselves away because they cannot keep up the act forever. Delilah several times betrayed Samson, the signs were there. But here are some things that I have observed over time with actors:

1. Women are better at acting before an audience of men and men are better at acting before an audience of women. Despite what society tells us, men and women are not the same, they think differently. It is easier for a women to lie to a man as they don’t think the same, and it is harder for the man to spot it, and vice versa. When a woman says something to me that I suspect, I will always run it past my wife. Everyone in any leadership anywhere in the world needs to know: men are more likely to be taken in by women, and women are more likely to be taken in by men. Men are easily fooled by women – we find it difficult to tell if a soft voice is lying to us, we find it genuinely hard to believe a little, fragile, harmless-looking lady could say something venomous.
2. Religious people are some of the best actors in the world. Jesus said so – he called the scribes and Pharisees actors, comparing them to coffins that are painted white on the outside but full of dead bones on the inside. There are actual church leaders and elders who are actors! They pretend to be holy, but are selfish, mean, immoral and so on. They are playing in the pulpit. I know ministers who are sweet in the pulpit, but they are not sweet to their wives, families or their waiters in the restaurant. I’ve heard ministers lie about the size of their crowds or miracles they have seen.
3. Children can be remarkable actors. Every parents needs to know that – your child can pretend to be good, and outside of the home be terrible.
4. Actors often seem inappropriately enthusiastic. I am not against enthusiasm, but people who seem enthusiastic at the wrong time should be a red flag to you as a leader. Dinah was raped, and suddenly her brothers were keen to evangelise the rapist – that should have been a clue they were acting.
5. Actors are often acting to get something from you – a promotion, a favour, you to promote their ministry or give them your pulpit. If someone is prepared to act to gain that thing, it goes beyond a godly desire – it is now a psychological need. That a person is prepared to lie to get something shows they have a problem.
6. An actor is not a doer. When you watch Tom Cruise jumping off an exploding building, he is probably doing that himself in real life. But he is the exception, most actors are not doing their own stunts! Actors in the church are the people giving you “great” advice that they are not involved in any way in doing it. They will not invest, give, serve, help or do anything. If you receive a suggestion on what the church can do for this or that, ask the person giving the suggestion to carry it out! I had a man phone me up once telling me that our church did not have a strong enough youth program. He had all these ideas about how the youth should be run, so I said “let’s get you a DBS check, and let’s get you running the youth once a month” – but he would not. He would not get involved in building as he was only an actor. After several more of his suggestions he never was willing to lift a finger to get involved with, he left the church. On the other hand, people willing to get involved and go above and beyond are very rarely actors!
7. Actors can make people unhappy with reality. Have you ever heard of the CSI-effect? CSI is a fictional TV series where a team of police scientists seem to be able to solve any crime with their technology. What happened was it made jurors unable to make decisions in real-life trials because the fictional technology did not exist and they wanted it to. A real trial was too real for jurors who spent hours watching actors! When people only see actors as Christians, they can miss out on real Christians because they are real. The fact is real Christians are human, no one is super-human. We can be great, but we cannot be perfect. I have seen people offended and hurt at me just because I am not fictional, but real! The problem is they have spent too long with the fiction! There is a CSI effect – a CHRISTIANITY SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE effect if we are fooled by church actors. When you step away from the acting, you find out that a David can win battles, a Jairus can see his daughter raised from the dead, a Peter can be an apostle. We cannot actually be positive until we are real. Victories are not just possible for actors and in fiction – we can have real successes here and now on planet earth even as real people! Listen if Ben Conway can plant and grow churches – you can too! That’s the power of not acting and being real!
8. Actors are often exposed by advice that will never work in the real world. They come up with advice that you doing the work know will not work. I have people tell me how to do something as a pastor that I know will not work because I run ten churches and have been pastoring and ministering part-time since 1997 and full-time since 2011. When someone gives me advice I know that does not work, I know this person is playing games!
9. Actors want an audience, real authentic leaders want disciples. You will know someone is an actor when they start to build an audience. They will not call it an audience, they will call it a committee. You will hear something like “You cannot trust just one person to make the decisions”, “I think our pastor has too much authority”, and they sound safe and mature and wise – but it is actually them making a powerplay for an audience. Read your Bible – whenever God does something He calls a Son not a committee! I don’t appoint committees for different departments and churches in Tree of Life – I appoint a person! A key person! That is how God works too. Some people love audiences, Jesus loves disciples. All I need to plant a healthy church anywhere in the world is one man. I am going to invade nations in the near future, not with committee but by one man, or one woman, or one married couple. I only need one person to start a new department.
10. Actors do not think. It was famously said of Clark Gable that he had to become an actor because he wasa not smart enough to do anything else. True wisdom comes from the Lord, and you cannot pretend to have that wisdom and the strength that comes with it. A pastor or leader who does not walk with the Lord does not have real wisdom and strength. There a battles people will lose if they do not have wisdom from the Lord and actors just cannot do that because that wisdom comes from the secret place. Selah.

I ended our last post by quoting Romans 12.9, the verse that was the driving force behind all my teaching and preaching in 2022, our year of unfeigned love. It says “let love be without hypocrisy”. The Greek word here means to act, and it literally means someone who is under a mask, as in Greek theatre actors would wear masks to let the large audiences see which character they were playing. Sometimes, sadly, people come to church and conceal their true motivations and intentions by acting! They are hypocrites!

I have seen this increase recently – people acting. I pastor over forty nationalities, and I have found some cultures are based on outward shows of honour, and in those cultures there is a lot more acting. Sadly, someone can bow and courtsey and then stab you in the back before they are standing upright! As leaders we need the wisdom to see through these masks. We need to be able to recognize the Proverbs 26.25 people in our midst:

When he speaks graciously, do not believe him, Because there are seven abominations in his heart (NASB)

You need to be able to notice a mask. You will notice the mask because it never changes – the person is never anything less than the same. Remember satan is an actor, he can play the role of an angel of light (2 Cor. 11.14), and the most satanic people can act as the most angelic. They are so nice and pleasant – and that is ironically the sign – they are too nice and too pleasant, in a way that is almost creepy. The devil acts out as an angel. I have had to deal with marriages where one or other spouse is acting like the devil and I wonder why the other spouse married them, then I find out that before the marriage they were playing the role of a good man or woman! Then after marriage, they stop their acting, they stop going to church, they stop pretending to pray and read the Word. And the marriage becomes difficult!

A mask can only cover the face, not everything else, so as leaders we need to be aware of what else is going on – when Delilah was acting as someone who loved Samson, her mask was on, covering her face, but that actor’s mask did not cover that she was still a Philistine, still had loads of Philistine friends, and still did things that were incongruent with her act. As a leader we must pay attention to signs like this. If someone pretends to be totally in love with your church, but is not there often, not serving on a team, not in a small group, they are acting! It’s fake!

Delilah defeated Samson because he fell asleep in her presence. We must not sleep in the presence of our Delilahs. When you suspect someone to be an actor, do not trust your life to them, do not be asleep around them. Samson fell asleep in Delilah’s lap and from that night on, he never had a night’s sleep again!

I have the true and genuine honour of being close to some very seasoned and wise leaders of the faith, and I would never dream of repeating what they said to me in private. But I have heard people who were in private conversations, then mock the people they were talking to. The person did not know it was someone who was acting as a friend. It is important to know who you can be asleep around. Andrew Wommacks says the most important thing is that your inner circle of friends should be safe, and I could not agree more.

When someone repeats things that I said in private in public, I know that person is not safe, they are only pretending to be safe. The mask might cover the face, but it will never cover everything. Stay awake until it is safe to sleep! Selah!

One of the things that normally shocks a new pastor, generally after about 6-9 months of pastoring is that there are – thankfully rarely, but it definitely happens – people who come to church pretending to be something they are not. The word I use for these in my mind is ACTOR. Some people in churches are actors, with fake personalities – and these people will be the most likely to betray you. It can feel like you have a spy in the church, you find out they said X to you, but Y to someone else, and Z to someone else and you are stunned.

Even a pastor as awesome and pure and wonderful and inspiring as Jesus had a disciple called Judas. Judas was an actor, playing the role of a wonderful disciple of Jesus, but in reality He was a traitor, deceiver and murderer. David had Absalom, he was an actor, playing the role of a kind, gracious brother, but it was all an act to kill his brother! Joshua met a tribe of actors! They pretended to be far away from Israel, and acted like they had made a huge journey, but they actually lived in Canaan. I have met people who have come to one of our churches as actors pretending to be great Christians, but they are really trying to destroy our church culture and church life! If no one has come to do this to your church yet, either you have missed it, or your church has nothing worth stealing or killing!

Every leader will face the problem of actors. If you want to be a fruitful leader, get ready to once in a while see an Oscar-worthy performance from someone! I want to help all of you see through these actors as and when they turn up and want to treat your church or business as a stage. Now this follows on from what I was teaching on loyalty, because a lot of your betrayal in life as a leader comes from actors. You have to learn to keep a soft and true heart, but at the same time when people come wearing their sheep costume, act like they admire and love everything you say and do – you need to know these people are actors.

There are a number of signs that will help you realize when someone is acting – one of the main ones is when people talk very little when you are around, but talk a lot when you are not around. That is one of the big clues to me that I am dealing with someone who is pretending: when I find out more about their lives second-hand than first-hand, from people who do not realize that the people talking ABOUT me are not actually talking TO me. It does not always mean I am dealing with an actor, but it often does.

Samson lost his life because he relaxed in the presence of a woman who was acting. She was acting as a concerned woman, a friend of Samson, when all she wanted to do was steal from him. Actors can be the most dangerous people in your church and do great harm to you and your ministry. You must not relax in the presence of these people – you must rather obey the Word of God and prove all things and hold fast to the good!

In addition to people who are too quiet, be very careful of people who seem to have two different personalities. I have met people who are jovial and chatty around others, then when I am there, they are sad, quiet, melancholy. Perhaps their face to others is an act, to build a power-base. Also, when people are obsessed with the outside facade, obsessed with dress, and outward actions, and petty things that are external. That’s another sign of an actor. Actors use a lot of make-up and take a long time to dress. We had a lady come to our church and she was covered in make up and used to dress up as if she was at a wedding or some such event. I later found out some of the men in our church (some married) had lent her thousands of pounds, and she left our church still owing many of them. She pretended to be an innocent, vulnerable sister, but she was a predator, and stole money from people. And some unsuspecting men in the church fell for it! As leaders, we must not be that naive! I would guess 90% of her beauty was artificial. I’ve been to Hollywood, it is just a veneer! I’ve had to help husbands cope when they found out days into their wedding that their wife had false nails, false lashes, false teeth, even false breasts! Don’t fall for a veneer! Actors of both sexes will often have had a lot of partners becaue they act how the other person wants them to act.

In addition, actors are too nice. They are grinning all the time, they like every post you post on Facebook, they look like extras from Stepford Wives because it is not real, it is indeed an act. Their make-up is their smile. And along with that smile is a total lack of conviction. These people will never say something is good or evil – they will wait and see what others think, or they will just seethe in private and act like a nice person! I’ve been in situations where I have had to address something, and I know I am only saying what everyone else is thinking and needs to be said, but when the person is upset at what I said, the actors jump in and comfort them because I said to their face what the actor is saying behind their back!

Next week we can start talking about walking in love, because Romans tells us to love without acting! And when we get that right, we set a standard for everyone!

How can you stop someone stabbing you in the back one day? How can you stop someone lying about you, slandering you, causing strife and evil in your church, prophesying-lying? How do you stop someone going through the steps of a backstab? Well, the short answer is you cannot stop it all this side of heaven. Even in Heaven, God was stabbed in the back by satan; on earth Jesus was stabbed in the back by Judas – so even the most wonderful of leaders will still get backstabbed from time to time. But you can minimize it! How?

1. By Actively Teaching on Loyalty. When was the last time you taught on loyalty? Faithfulness is part of the reborn spirit, causing divisions is the flesh. You are not doing your people a favour by not teaching them on how to walk in the spirit! Teach your people all the time, on all the Word, and specifically on loyalty, and you will prevent a lot of crises! Good teaching is the truth, and truth exposes lies. Satan lies to people to make them betray you – and copy Absalom or Judas, so teach the truth.
2. By building a culture that hates disloyalty. In Revelation 2.6, Jesus praises the church in Ephesus because they “hated the deeds of the Nicolaitanes”. It’s a good thing when a church strongly hates certain actions. Build a culture into your church that you do not backstab people, explain to people how bad Absalom’s life went, how bad Judas end was, and so on. There’s actually several dozen examples of disloyalty in the Bible. Build it into your culture, so people hate disloyalty. If someone is talking bad about you, build a culture where people let you know.
3. Learn to walk away. David walked away from Eliab. Abraham walked away from Lot. There are some people you should not be working with because you will never be at peace with them. Some people do not believe in you. They do not believe God has called you. Move on! And like Lot, let people go in peace. People will eventually see who is Abraham and Lot, and they will follow Abraham. People will realize who is birthing faith in people and whose life is a total mess.
4. Do not be afraid to throw someone out your church. The Bible is very explciit “Cast out the scorner” (Proverbs 22.10). If someone is casting scorn on you, throw them out your church. I’m not talking about a mature, reasonable difference of opinion. We all have differences of opinion, I am talking about a scorner. The Hebrew word is “lus”, and it means an exceptionally arrogant, boastful, mocking person – an ambassador of mocking, someone teaching others to mock. In other words someone infecting the church with a patronizing, critical attitude. You need to cast them out – that is strong language, because you need to be strong. Dismiss them, sack them, stop them coming to your meetings. It is a strong move, but it is like a major surgery, it will hurt but it will save your life. If you do not do this when you have an infectious mocker, you are weak, and your leadership is weak. In the New Testament, Paul says “Mark those who cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine you have learned and avoid them” (Romans 16.17). People who cause divisions should be pointed out and avoided. To mark means to brand a sheep. A pastor will from time to time have to let people know – this sheep is dangerous, they are a crazy sheep and they will bite you. If you do not, you are not looking after your people. Do not be afraid to mark someone if necessary, you do not know more about running a church than Paul!

No one just grabs a knife and stabs you in the back. There are five clear steps that are always there before you are stabbed in the back by someone. This blog post will outline those steps simply and effeciently – but I have gone into more detail in other places (for example, here). But this is the simple outline of these five steps. and I want this blogpost to serve two purposes: firstly, to enable any leader reading to spot those who are on the road to backstabbing them – not to make anyone paranoid but to help them show grace and restoration to those people and help them repent and change path; and secondly, to ensure that those people being decieved and conned by satan to think that the only way forward is to stab a leader in the back to realize that it will hurt the leader but destroy you and to identify the path you are on and help you get back on track.

1. An Attitude of Independence. The first step to someone stabbing you in the back is just a little step but trust me the path is towards betrayal! When I say an attitude of independence, I mean someone who just does not fit in with the rest of the group. That attitude comes because someone feels let down, upset and annoyed at the way the group does. There is an over-attachment to doing things “their way” – when that attitude takes root be careful. It’s like you say “let’s fast Tuesday” and they decide to fast Wednesday because it suits them. Be very careful of anyone who ignores your calendar or clock! Now – you can be independent, but you cannot be part of something more than yourself AND be independent. When you join a group bigger than you, you need to flow with the group. You need to turn up on time, you need to join in and do things the groups’ way, and with a good attitude too – a team attitude. I was recently stabbed in the back by someone – and the first sign was they kept booking their annual holidays overseas the same week as Heal the Nations. They wanted to go on holiday more than be in our church conference. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it is a sign someone is not loyal.
2. Passivity. The next step is someone goes dormant and downs tools. You have to stop building the wall before you can criticize the wall. A deacon will suddenly resign, a trustee will suddenly step down, an elder will stop having their small group and may or may not tell you. A pastor will still do what they are paid for but it seems like they are wokring union rules! Now there are many reasons why someone goes passive – a new job, a baby, depression – but one of the reasons is they are offended and on the path to betrayal. They are stopping building so they can stand back and criticize. You cannot criticize what you are building (more on this here).
3. Becoming a Critic. After being passive for long enough they are no longer emotionally attached to what they were previously building, the next step is the person becomes a critic. They start to mention how worldly, uncompassionate, religious the church has become. They start to tell people “well, if I were still involved, I would…” hoping no-one has the sense to say “why aren’t you still involved?”. Passive is them stopping building, now they are attacking the building. They are ripping the team apart – which they can only do now they are no longer on the team. When someone is critical, watch out, they are bubbling over and ready to explode. I am not talking about genuine, reasonable, honest criticism which if you listen to and resolve, the person is happy and all is well, I am talking about a critical attitude that nothing can appease. People at this stage are difficult to appease. Make sure you are not letting them have a position of leadership.
4. Going Political. Every critic needs a base, so the person goes political. They start infecting others with their bitter root (Hebrews 12.15). I will know someone is at that stage when someone other than the critical person comes to me and says “Do you know about Brother X? They are a little disheartened at what is going on at church”. I wonder why Brother X told them and not me, and I wonder why that person did not tell them to shut their mouth and talk to me, but what is happening is that someone is building their political party. A church without factions can move forward, but when people start building their parties in the church then it gets stuck. If you are a pastor and you have spent blood, sweat and tears building a church from nothing and taking it forward, do not let a donkey rip it apart just to get a piece of the pie they presume they are entitled to. What will be happening is secret meetings – secret prophetic meetings because you are not prophetic enough, secret this and that meetings because your teaching needs corrected, secret intercessor meetings praying for your (hard and ugly) heart! People will literally do anything to build a power base inside a local church rather than go into all the world and make disciples. Watch out because when the person feels their power base is powerful enough – you are now going to get a backstab. The person is villifying you because the more demonic they paint you – the less people will be horrified at their immature, disloyal behaviour!
5. The Backstab. Here is the moment you are betrayed by the kiss of Judas. It starts with an independent attitude, then passivity, then criticism, then politics, but now it is about to try and rip part of your ministry or business or church out of your hands and into theirs. Or if they are brazen enough, they may go for the whole thing. This is not fanciful teaching here – I have seen this happen over and over – not just in the Tree, but in other churches and ministries many times. We need to be wise as serpents, gentle as doves – not gentle as ostriches putting our head in the sand and ignoring problems! A back stab will take one of three forms – firstly, it will be an attack on your capability. Secondly, an attack on your character. Thirdly, an attack on your credibility.

An attack on your capability will sound like “this person is not capable of being a pastor, look at this mistake they made (it might be a real mistake, you have made them and so have I – or it might be imaginary)”. Notice your backstabber has been passive for a while, so during that time they made no mistakes because you cannot make mistakes doing nothing! They will harp on about money you wasted, an evangelistic event that did not work or a decision that did not work perfectly. This is how Absalom stabbed David in the back – assaulting his capability to rule with his words.

The second attack will be against your character. They will say you do not pray enough, are not kind enough (kind here being a synonym for “letting me have my own way”), not generous enough or too harsh. Generally I have found people assualt personality and pretend it is a character issue. I love that everyone in the kingdom has a different personality, it gives life some variety. But some people are loud – some people are quiet – that’s not character, that is personality, but suddenly you are being character assassinated because of your personality!

Finally the backstab will attack your credibilty. This is the most desperate form of attack – it’s just a flat-out lie – you cannot pastor, you cannot lead a team, you are unsupportive, you cannot get this ministry out of debt. There will be no evidence, because there is no logic at this stage, the person is driven entirely by emotion – rage, offense, bitterness. They will not accept any explanation. They want the church split. What they want is their bloody half of the baby they feel they deserve, and they will happily rip your church in two, kill it, and destroy everyone to get it. People will follow the backstabber, normally out of pity, and others will stay, and others will be so confused they just stop going to church. This is the saddest moment. For how to deal with this if you are in the middle of it go here.

That’s the five stages. They are pretty much standard for anyone who is going to split a church. If you are a pastor, without being cynical, be wise! If you are on this path, repent, you will come out worse than anyone if you rip a baby in half to get your dead half.

When Judas betrayed Jesus to the Romans, that wasn’t a one off event that just came out of nowhere. It was the end result of a process that in my experience is exceptionally predictable. For those of you in leadership, you might not be able to stop someone taking these steps but you can see it coming and help yourself and your people handle it.

Every leader should be aware that a dagger in your back does not come out of nowhere, and you can see certain actions and steps and think… That person is not as loyal, as faithful, as on fire as they used to be. They are not able to betray you with a kiss tomorrow but they are on the way!

There are two very simple reasons why you must understand disloyalty is a slow process. Firstly, so you can see it coming when someone is being disloyal to you. But secondly, if you are serving a larger ministry or business than yourself, you can spot the devil and your flesh leading you down the process of being disloyal so you can head it off at the pass and avoid totally ruining your own life. Being disloyal will stab the other person in the back and hurt them, but it will hurt you more.

I have seen many pastors recover from a stab in the back, but I have seen very few of the people who did the stabbing recover. And those that did, it took a long time and in these perilous times, you cannot afford to take that kind of time off!

David had already dealt with disloyal with Absalom. Absalom was upset with David and started leading people away from him. But David having the heart after God he had did not want to destroy Absalom but restore him. He told his men not to kill Absalom. But then David had further disloyalty when Joab killed Absalom.

Disloyal people do things their way in your name and that will mess up any ministry. You need to become aware of the steps. In my next post, I will sum up all the five main steps.

But until now, just think about yourself. Are you disloyal to who God has placed you with? Are you doing things your way, even though there is no moral imperative to, other than you like your own way. Are you handling Absalom the way you want to or the way David told you to? Are you walking down a path that might hurt a ministry, church or business, and more importantly destroy you? If so, time to be found faithful, repent and do whatever you can to be full of faith – faithful.

.

I am going to end this series today, with what is a key to raising up other leaders. It is a very important truth, easily stated and understood, but can be hard to work out in practise – it is this: be secure in yourself.

If you raise up leaders and are part of a growing organization, one of the greatest joy about that is you will raise up people who surpass you and pass you by. You need people around you who know more than you and can do things you cannot. But insecurity stops many people from doing that.

I know a lot of leaders who deliberately surround themselves with people who are sub-par to make themelves look good, because they are not secure in Christ. Like Saul, they could not bear to hear a song that claims someone has slain more than them.

As you lead and develop leaders, let me tell you the truth. Let me tell you reality. It is only in developing others that we are success. All other legacies and measures of success crumble, fade, fall apart and end. But what we do for people will last forever. Selah.

If someone on your team, in your church is not doing what they should be, whether that is gossiping, lying, treating people badly, you need to confront. I spoke about that last week. Today I want to give you some quick bullet points on HOW TO CONFRONT SOMEONE.

• Sooner Rather than Later. The longer the wait – two things will happen. Firstly, you are more likely to bottle it. Secondly, the person will keep doing it wrong and causing more trouble. The shorter the wait – firstly, you will not have to remember all the details, they will be fresh in your mind so that you will not be contradicted by someone chancing it; secondly, it means the person might still be soft and raw after doing it, so you have a real window to help them.
• Confront the Action Rather than The Person. We are not in the business of condemning people and making them feel useless, we are in the business of discipling people by supporting them, encouraging them, loving them – while we explain to them why certain of their behaviours are wrong.
• What the Person Can Control, Rather than Anything He Cannot. If you ask someone to change something they cannot control, you will just frustrate them.
• Kindly Rather than Roughly. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt, assume that they did what they did with a pure heart and with good motives. Many areas are open to interpretation and do not assume you know why someone did what they did.
• Specifically Rather than Generally. Do not tell someone “do better”, be specific. If there are no specifics, perhaps you are just jumping to conclusions. Perhaps your assumptions are false and you need to check them!
• Calmly rather than angrily. We all get angry in different ways, I tend to sarcasm when I am angry. Confronting someone over their behaviour is the wrong place for sarcasm! Trust me, I have learned that the hard way. Anger means you are dealing with the person, not the situation. Be very careful.
• Narrowly not broadly. Never use the word never. Always avoid using the word always! If I tell someone “never ever do that” – it’s not a rule, when actually I want my leaders to be thinkers and leaders, not slaves to rules. I will tell them – think about this, is this the right time to do this, is this the right way to do it, because mostly it is not. The exceptions to this are moral issues. You can very much tell anyone in your church “Never commit adultery”, “always treat people kindly” and so on. But in things that are not moral, but a matter of style – such as “never preach three hours” – maybe there is a time for it, and you need your people to be aware of that. Selah.
• State Your Feelings Rather than Vomit Them. Nothing wrong will telling someone “I was disappointed by that”, “that really wound me up” and explain why. But stop those feelings and harness them before you have the actual conversation! Don’t vent at someone while confronting them.
• Future Minded not Past Minded. Can you give the person a plan for the future? Ok, they did something wrong, and you are standing them down as an elder let’s say, but will you reconsider in a year. Is there something they can listen to? How can they prove their character is changing, and you can trust them again? Give people a plan to progress (don’t be upset if they throw it in your face, but still give them a plan).
• Affirm Rather than Assassinate. I have had to stand down a couple of elders in the last 12 years, it is not easy, but I have never stood them down as a friend. Some people talk about the confrontation sandwich. Bread of friendship, confront as leader, bread of friendship. That way the conversation starts and ends affirming the person has value.
• Positive Rather than Negative. Make sure that person walks away knowing not just “I have messed up” but “my leader loves me and cares for me, and has my best interests at heart”. Or at the very least you know you tried your hardest to convey that to them.

Confrontation is a time to grow. It’s like pruning a tree to enable more fruit.