Inspiring and Challenging Dreamers

I ended our last post by quoting Romans 12.9, the verse that was the driving force behind all my teaching and preaching in 2022, our year of unfeigned love. It says “let love be without hypocrisy”. The Greek word here means to act, and it literally means someone who is under a mask, as in Greek theatre actors would wear masks to let the large audiences see which character they were playing. Sometimes, sadly, people come to church and conceal their true motivations and intentions by acting! They are hypocrites!

I have seen this increase recently – people acting. I pastor over forty nationalities, and I have found some cultures are based on outward shows of honour, and in those cultures there is a lot more acting. Sadly, someone can bow and courtsey and then stab you in the back before they are standing upright! As leaders we need the wisdom to see through these masks. We need to be able to recognize the Proverbs 26.25 people in our midst:

When he speaks graciously, do not believe him, Because there are seven abominations in his heart (NASB)

You need to be able to notice a mask. You will notice the mask because it never changes – the person is never anything less than the same. Remember satan is an actor, he can play the role of an angel of light (2 Cor. 11.14), and the most satanic people can act as the most angelic. They are so nice and pleasant – and that is ironically the sign – they are too nice and too pleasant, in a way that is almost creepy. The devil acts out as an angel. I have had to deal with marriages where one or other spouse is acting like the devil and I wonder why the other spouse married them, then I find out that before the marriage they were playing the role of a good man or woman! Then after marriage, they stop their acting, they stop going to church, they stop pretending to pray and read the Word. And the marriage becomes difficult!

A mask can only cover the face, not everything else, so as leaders we need to be aware of what else is going on – when Delilah was acting as someone who loved Samson, her mask was on, covering her face, but that actor’s mask did not cover that she was still a Philistine, still had loads of Philistine friends, and still did things that were incongruent with her act. As a leader we must pay attention to signs like this. If someone pretends to be totally in love with your church, but is not there often, not serving on a team, not in a small group, they are acting! It’s fake!

Delilah defeated Samson because he fell asleep in her presence. We must not sleep in the presence of our Delilahs. When you suspect someone to be an actor, do not trust your life to them, do not be asleep around them. Samson fell asleep in Delilah’s lap and from that night on, he never had a night’s sleep again!

I have the true and genuine honour of being close to some very seasoned and wise leaders of the faith, and I would never dream of repeating what they said to me in private. But I have heard people who were in private conversations, then mock the people they were talking to. The person did not know it was someone who was acting as a friend. It is important to know who you can be asleep around. Andrew Wommacks says the most important thing is that your inner circle of friends should be safe, and I could not agree more.

When someone repeats things that I said in private in public, I know that person is not safe, they are only pretending to be safe. The mask might cover the face, but it will never cover everything. Stay awake until it is safe to sleep! Selah!

One of the things that normally shocks a new pastor, generally after about 6-9 months of pastoring is that there are – thankfully rarely, but it definitely happens – people who come to church pretending to be something they are not. The word I use for these in my mind is ACTOR. Some people in churches are actors, with fake personalities – and these people will be the most likely to betray you. It can feel like you have a spy in the church, you find out they said X to you, but Y to someone else, and Z to someone else and you are stunned.

Even a pastor as awesome and pure and wonderful and inspiring as Jesus had a disciple called Judas. Judas was an actor, playing the role of a wonderful disciple of Jesus, but in reality He was a traitor, deceiver and murderer. David had Absalom, he was an actor, playing the role of a kind, gracious brother, but it was all an act to kill his brother! Joshua met a tribe of actors! They pretended to be far away from Israel, and acted like they had made a huge journey, but they actually lived in Canaan. I have met people who have come to one of our churches as actors pretending to be great Christians, but they are really trying to destroy our church culture and church life! If no one has come to do this to your church yet, either you have missed it, or your church has nothing worth stealing or killing!

Every leader will face the problem of actors. If you want to be a fruitful leader, get ready to once in a while see an Oscar-worthy performance from someone! I want to help all of you see through these actors as and when they turn up and want to treat your church or business as a stage. Now this follows on from what I was teaching on loyalty, because a lot of your betrayal in life as a leader comes from actors. You have to learn to keep a soft and true heart, but at the same time when people come wearing their sheep costume, act like they admire and love everything you say and do – you need to know these people are actors.

There are a number of signs that will help you realize when someone is acting – one of the main ones is when people talk very little when you are around, but talk a lot when you are not around. That is one of the big clues to me that I am dealing with someone who is pretending: when I find out more about their lives second-hand than first-hand, from people who do not realize that the people talking ABOUT me are not actually talking TO me. It does not always mean I am dealing with an actor, but it often does.

Samson lost his life because he relaxed in the presence of a woman who was acting. She was acting as a concerned woman, a friend of Samson, when all she wanted to do was steal from him. Actors can be the most dangerous people in your church and do great harm to you and your ministry. You must not relax in the presence of these people – you must rather obey the Word of God and prove all things and hold fast to the good!

In addition to people who are too quiet, be very careful of people who seem to have two different personalities. I have met people who are jovial and chatty around others, then when I am there, they are sad, quiet, melancholy. Perhaps their face to others is an act, to build a power-base. Also, when people are obsessed with the outside facade, obsessed with dress, and outward actions, and petty things that are external. That’s another sign of an actor. Actors use a lot of make-up and take a long time to dress. We had a lady come to our church and she was covered in make up and used to dress up as if she was at a wedding or some such event. I later found out some of the men in our church (some married) had lent her thousands of pounds, and she left our church still owing many of them. She pretended to be an innocent, vulnerable sister, but she was a predator, and stole money from people. And some unsuspecting men in the church fell for it! As leaders, we must not be that naive! I would guess 90% of her beauty was artificial. I’ve been to Hollywood, it is just a veneer! I’ve had to help husbands cope when they found out days into their wedding that their wife had false nails, false lashes, false teeth, even false breasts! Don’t fall for a veneer! Actors of both sexes will often have had a lot of partners becaue they act how the other person wants them to act.

In addition, actors are too nice. They are grinning all the time, they like every post you post on Facebook, they look like extras from Stepford Wives because it is not real, it is indeed an act. Their make-up is their smile. And along with that smile is a total lack of conviction. These people will never say something is good or evil – they will wait and see what others think, or they will just seethe in private and act like a nice person! I’ve been in situations where I have had to address something, and I know I am only saying what everyone else is thinking and needs to be said, but when the person is upset at what I said, the actors jump in and comfort them because I said to their face what the actor is saying behind their back!

Next week we can start talking about walking in love, because Romans tells us to love without acting! And when we get that right, we set a standard for everyone!

How can you stop someone stabbing you in the back one day? How can you stop someone lying about you, slandering you, causing strife and evil in your church, prophesying-lying? How do you stop someone going through the steps of a backstab? Well, the short answer is you cannot stop it all this side of heaven. Even in Heaven, God was stabbed in the back by satan; on earth Jesus was stabbed in the back by Judas – so even the most wonderful of leaders will still get backstabbed from time to time. But you can minimize it! How?

1. By Actively Teaching on Loyalty. When was the last time you taught on loyalty? Faithfulness is part of the reborn spirit, causing divisions is the flesh. You are not doing your people a favour by not teaching them on how to walk in the spirit! Teach your people all the time, on all the Word, and specifically on loyalty, and you will prevent a lot of crises! Good teaching is the truth, and truth exposes lies. Satan lies to people to make them betray you – and copy Absalom or Judas, so teach the truth.
2. By building a culture that hates disloyalty. In Revelation 2.6, Jesus praises the church in Ephesus because they “hated the deeds of the Nicolaitanes”. It’s a good thing when a church strongly hates certain actions. Build a culture into your church that you do not backstab people, explain to people how bad Absalom’s life went, how bad Judas end was, and so on. There’s actually several dozen examples of disloyalty in the Bible. Build it into your culture, so people hate disloyalty. If someone is talking bad about you, build a culture where people let you know.
3. Learn to walk away. David walked away from Eliab. Abraham walked away from Lot. There are some people you should not be working with because you will never be at peace with them. Some people do not believe in you. They do not believe God has called you. Move on! And like Lot, let people go in peace. People will eventually see who is Abraham and Lot, and they will follow Abraham. People will realize who is birthing faith in people and whose life is a total mess.
4. Do not be afraid to throw someone out your church. The Bible is very explciit “Cast out the scorner” (Proverbs 22.10). If someone is casting scorn on you, throw them out your church. I’m not talking about a mature, reasonable difference of opinion. We all have differences of opinion, I am talking about a scorner. The Hebrew word is “lus”, and it means an exceptionally arrogant, boastful, mocking person – an ambassador of mocking, someone teaching others to mock. In other words someone infecting the church with a patronizing, critical attitude. You need to cast them out – that is strong language, because you need to be strong. Dismiss them, sack them, stop them coming to your meetings. It is a strong move, but it is like a major surgery, it will hurt but it will save your life. If you do not do this when you have an infectious mocker, you are weak, and your leadership is weak. In the New Testament, Paul says “Mark those who cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine you have learned and avoid them” (Romans 16.17). People who cause divisions should be pointed out and avoided. To mark means to brand a sheep. A pastor will from time to time have to let people know – this sheep is dangerous, they are a crazy sheep and they will bite you. If you do not, you are not looking after your people. Do not be afraid to mark someone if necessary, you do not know more about running a church than Paul!

No one just grabs a knife and stabs you in the back. There are five clear steps that are always there before you are stabbed in the back by someone. This blog post will outline those steps simply and effeciently – but I have gone into more detail in other places (for example, here). But this is the simple outline of these five steps. and I want this blogpost to serve two purposes: firstly, to enable any leader reading to spot those who are on the road to backstabbing them – not to make anyone paranoid but to help them show grace and restoration to those people and help them repent and change path; and secondly, to ensure that those people being decieved and conned by satan to think that the only way forward is to stab a leader in the back to realize that it will hurt the leader but destroy you and to identify the path you are on and help you get back on track.

1. An Attitude of Independence. The first step to someone stabbing you in the back is just a little step but trust me the path is towards betrayal! When I say an attitude of independence, I mean someone who just does not fit in with the rest of the group. That attitude comes because someone feels let down, upset and annoyed at the way the group does. There is an over-attachment to doing things “their way” – when that attitude takes root be careful. It’s like you say “let’s fast Tuesday” and they decide to fast Wednesday because it suits them. Be very careful of anyone who ignores your calendar or clock! Now – you can be independent, but you cannot be part of something more than yourself AND be independent. When you join a group bigger than you, you need to flow with the group. You need to turn up on time, you need to join in and do things the groups’ way, and with a good attitude too – a team attitude. I was recently stabbed in the back by someone – and the first sign was they kept booking their annual holidays overseas the same week as Heal the Nations. They wanted to go on holiday more than be in our church conference. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it is a sign someone is not loyal.
2. Passivity. The next step is someone goes dormant and downs tools. You have to stop building the wall before you can criticize the wall. A deacon will suddenly resign, a trustee will suddenly step down, an elder will stop having their small group and may or may not tell you. A pastor will still do what they are paid for but it seems like they are wokring union rules! Now there are many reasons why someone goes passive – a new job, a baby, depression – but one of the reasons is they are offended and on the path to betrayal. They are stopping building so they can stand back and criticize. You cannot criticize what you are building (more on this here).
3. Becoming a Critic. After being passive for long enough they are no longer emotionally attached to what they were previously building, the next step is the person becomes a critic. They start to mention how worldly, uncompassionate, religious the church has become. They start to tell people “well, if I were still involved, I would…” hoping no-one has the sense to say “why aren’t you still involved?”. Passive is them stopping building, now they are attacking the building. They are ripping the team apart – which they can only do now they are no longer on the team. When someone is critical, watch out, they are bubbling over and ready to explode. I am not talking about genuine, reasonable, honest criticism which if you listen to and resolve, the person is happy and all is well, I am talking about a critical attitude that nothing can appease. People at this stage are difficult to appease. Make sure you are not letting them have a position of leadership.
4. Going Political. Every critic needs a base, so the person goes political. They start infecting others with their bitter root (Hebrews 12.15). I will know someone is at that stage when someone other than the critical person comes to me and says “Do you know about Brother X? They are a little disheartened at what is going on at church”. I wonder why Brother X told them and not me, and I wonder why that person did not tell them to shut their mouth and talk to me, but what is happening is that someone is building their political party. A church without factions can move forward, but when people start building their parties in the church then it gets stuck. If you are a pastor and you have spent blood, sweat and tears building a church from nothing and taking it forward, do not let a donkey rip it apart just to get a piece of the pie they presume they are entitled to. What will be happening is secret meetings – secret prophetic meetings because you are not prophetic enough, secret this and that meetings because your teaching needs corrected, secret intercessor meetings praying for your (hard and ugly) heart! People will literally do anything to build a power base inside a local church rather than go into all the world and make disciples. Watch out because when the person feels their power base is powerful enough – you are now going to get a backstab. The person is villifying you because the more demonic they paint you – the less people will be horrified at their immature, disloyal behaviour!
5. The Backstab. Here is the moment you are betrayed by the kiss of Judas. It starts with an independent attitude, then passivity, then criticism, then politics, but now it is about to try and rip part of your ministry or business or church out of your hands and into theirs. Or if they are brazen enough, they may go for the whole thing. This is not fanciful teaching here – I have seen this happen over and over – not just in the Tree, but in other churches and ministries many times. We need to be wise as serpents, gentle as doves – not gentle as ostriches putting our head in the sand and ignoring problems! A back stab will take one of three forms – firstly, it will be an attack on your capability. Secondly, an attack on your character. Thirdly, an attack on your credibility.

An attack on your capability will sound like “this person is not capable of being a pastor, look at this mistake they made (it might be a real mistake, you have made them and so have I – or it might be imaginary)”. Notice your backstabber has been passive for a while, so during that time they made no mistakes because you cannot make mistakes doing nothing! They will harp on about money you wasted, an evangelistic event that did not work or a decision that did not work perfectly. This is how Absalom stabbed David in the back – assaulting his capability to rule with his words.

The second attack will be against your character. They will say you do not pray enough, are not kind enough (kind here being a synonym for “letting me have my own way”), not generous enough or too harsh. Generally I have found people assualt personality and pretend it is a character issue. I love that everyone in the kingdom has a different personality, it gives life some variety. But some people are loud – some people are quiet – that’s not character, that is personality, but suddenly you are being character assassinated because of your personality!

Finally the backstab will attack your credibilty. This is the most desperate form of attack – it’s just a flat-out lie – you cannot pastor, you cannot lead a team, you are unsupportive, you cannot get this ministry out of debt. There will be no evidence, because there is no logic at this stage, the person is driven entirely by emotion – rage, offense, bitterness. They will not accept any explanation. They want the church split. What they want is their bloody half of the baby they feel they deserve, and they will happily rip your church in two, kill it, and destroy everyone to get it. People will follow the backstabber, normally out of pity, and others will stay, and others will be so confused they just stop going to church. This is the saddest moment. For how to deal with this if you are in the middle of it go here.

That’s the five stages. They are pretty much standard for anyone who is going to split a church. If you are a pastor, without being cynical, be wise! If you are on this path, repent, you will come out worse than anyone if you rip a baby in half to get your dead half.

When Judas betrayed Jesus to the Romans, that wasn’t a one off event that just came out of nowhere. It was the end result of a process that in my experience is exceptionally predictable. For those of you in leadership, you might not be able to stop someone taking these steps but you can see it coming and help yourself and your people handle it.

Every leader should be aware that a dagger in your back does not come out of nowhere, and you can see certain actions and steps and think… That person is not as loyal, as faithful, as on fire as they used to be. They are not able to betray you with a kiss tomorrow but they are on the way!

There are two very simple reasons why you must understand disloyalty is a slow process. Firstly, so you can see it coming when someone is being disloyal to you. But secondly, if you are serving a larger ministry or business than yourself, you can spot the devil and your flesh leading you down the process of being disloyal so you can head it off at the pass and avoid totally ruining your own life. Being disloyal will stab the other person in the back and hurt them, but it will hurt you more.

I have seen many pastors recover from a stab in the back, but I have seen very few of the people who did the stabbing recover. And those that did, it took a long time and in these perilous times, you cannot afford to take that kind of time off!

David had already dealt with disloyal with Absalom. Absalom was upset with David and started leading people away from him. But David having the heart after God he had did not want to destroy Absalom but restore him. He told his men not to kill Absalom. But then David had further disloyalty when Joab killed Absalom.

Disloyal people do things their way in your name and that will mess up any ministry. You need to become aware of the steps. In my next post, I will sum up all the five main steps.

But until now, just think about yourself. Are you disloyal to who God has placed you with? Are you doing things your way, even though there is no moral imperative to, other than you like your own way. Are you handling Absalom the way you want to or the way David told you to? Are you walking down a path that might hurt a ministry, church or business, and more importantly destroy you? If so, time to be found faithful, repent and do whatever you can to be full of faith – faithful.

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I am going to end this series today, with what is a key to raising up other leaders. It is a very important truth, easily stated and understood, but can be hard to work out in practise – it is this: be secure in yourself.

If you raise up leaders and are part of a growing organization, one of the greatest joy about that is you will raise up people who surpass you and pass you by. You need people around you who know more than you and can do things you cannot. But insecurity stops many people from doing that.

I know a lot of leaders who deliberately surround themselves with people who are sub-par to make themelves look good, because they are not secure in Christ. Like Saul, they could not bear to hear a song that claims someone has slain more than them.

As you lead and develop leaders, let me tell you the truth. Let me tell you reality. It is only in developing others that we are success. All other legacies and measures of success crumble, fade, fall apart and end. But what we do for people will last forever. Selah.

If someone on your team, in your church is not doing what they should be, whether that is gossiping, lying, treating people badly, you need to confront. I spoke about that last week. Today I want to give you some quick bullet points on HOW TO CONFRONT SOMEONE.

• Sooner Rather than Later. The longer the wait – two things will happen. Firstly, you are more likely to bottle it. Secondly, the person will keep doing it wrong and causing more trouble. The shorter the wait – firstly, you will not have to remember all the details, they will be fresh in your mind so that you will not be contradicted by someone chancing it; secondly, it means the person might still be soft and raw after doing it, so you have a real window to help them.
• Confront the Action Rather than The Person. We are not in the business of condemning people and making them feel useless, we are in the business of discipling people by supporting them, encouraging them, loving them – while we explain to them why certain of their behaviours are wrong.
• What the Person Can Control, Rather than Anything He Cannot. If you ask someone to change something they cannot control, you will just frustrate them.
• Kindly Rather than Roughly. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt, assume that they did what they did with a pure heart and with good motives. Many areas are open to interpretation and do not assume you know why someone did what they did.
• Specifically Rather than Generally. Do not tell someone “do better”, be specific. If there are no specifics, perhaps you are just jumping to conclusions. Perhaps your assumptions are false and you need to check them!
• Calmly rather than angrily. We all get angry in different ways, I tend to sarcasm when I am angry. Confronting someone over their behaviour is the wrong place for sarcasm! Trust me, I have learned that the hard way. Anger means you are dealing with the person, not the situation. Be very careful.
• Narrowly not broadly. Never use the word never. Always avoid using the word always! If I tell someone “never ever do that” – it’s not a rule, when actually I want my leaders to be thinkers and leaders, not slaves to rules. I will tell them – think about this, is this the right time to do this, is this the right way to do it, because mostly it is not. The exceptions to this are moral issues. You can very much tell anyone in your church “Never commit adultery”, “always treat people kindly” and so on. But in things that are not moral, but a matter of style – such as “never preach three hours” – maybe there is a time for it, and you need your people to be aware of that. Selah.
• State Your Feelings Rather than Vomit Them. Nothing wrong will telling someone “I was disappointed by that”, “that really wound me up” and explain why. But stop those feelings and harness them before you have the actual conversation! Don’t vent at someone while confronting them.
• Future Minded not Past Minded. Can you give the person a plan for the future? Ok, they did something wrong, and you are standing them down as an elder let’s say, but will you reconsider in a year. Is there something they can listen to? How can they prove their character is changing, and you can trust them again? Give people a plan to progress (don’t be upset if they throw it in your face, but still give them a plan).
• Affirm Rather than Assassinate. I have had to stand down a couple of elders in the last 12 years, it is not easy, but I have never stood them down as a friend. Some people talk about the confrontation sandwich. Bread of friendship, confront as leader, bread of friendship. That way the conversation starts and ends affirming the person has value.
• Positive Rather than Negative. Make sure that person walks away knowing not just “I have messed up” but “my leader loves me and cares for me, and has my best interests at heart”. Or at the very least you know you tried your hardest to convey that to them.

Confrontation is a time to grow. It’s like pruning a tree to enable more fruit.

It’s hard work to reward people for good behaviour. Well done for starting another two churches, here is a payrise. Well done for ushering so well, here is a card. Well done for forgiving that person, let me praise you. It takes energy and effort and time, but it is fairly easy.

Confronting bad behaviour is much harder. Most of us know there is a chance that we will be disliked, rejected, upset someone, even make them angry and no one wants to do that.

But here is a principle that I have found is ABSOLUTE AND TOTAL TRUTH. This principle cannot and will never be broken. Have I made it clear that this principle is invioable? It truly is. Read it carefully: Not confronting bad behaviour will always make things worse.

The whole church (or business) will suffer because there is someone in it not behaving well, with the best interest of the whole church in their heart. Secondly, you will suffer. You will be less effective if a leader you have raised up is lying, gossiping, failing to represent and reflect you and your intentions, coming with their own agenda and so on. Finally, and most importantly, by you as the leader of leaders failing to confront someone you are a thief. Yes, you are. You are stealing an opportunity for someone to repent, grow and get on track at a crucial part of their life! Do not be a thief – be the opportunity someon needs.

Gently, in love, let that person know what they are doing or failing to do that means they are not helping themselves or the church.

The main reason we do not confront is pure selfishness, we are more concerned about being disliked than the whole church being healthy. And confrontation is not always bad, often it leads to change, and the person grows and we grow and it’s awesome. But you must do it right – which will be the subject of next week’s post, but right now – the key is simple – it must be done!

You need to encourage the leaders you are leading to raise the bar as high as possible. Let’s say you put 100% effort into running the ministry, and you delegate it to someone else. Let’s say the youth ministry. Let’s say the new youth pastor only gives 80%, you are happy with that, because you were doing too much anyway and you are just glad the youth are being cared for. And 80% isn’t too bad, it’s still very good, right? But when the youth pastor delegates to a youth leader, what if they only do 60% of what you are talking about. Then they delegate, only 40% gets done. If your youth group grows anymore, some of your leaders will literally be doing nothing.

If your goal is mediocrity rather than excellence, people you are leading will produce what is barely acceptable, and the people they are leading will not even do that, they will lower the bar so much you will not believe it.

Excellence is not about capability, it is very much a character issue. The success of whatever you are leading will never go beyond your character, and excellence is a character issue. You should expect your leaders to turn up on time, do their paperwork, get involved, use their initiative and do what is excellent. If not, you have to have a word with them, and if they do not become excellent then you need to start dealing with that. It’s part of the job of leading leaders.

If you expect 100% from your leaders, they will expect 100% from the people they are leading, and that will mean you lead a near to 100% excellent organization.

Selah.