Inspiring and Challenging Dreamers

If someone on your team, in your church is not doing what they should be, whether that is gossiping, lying, treating people badly, you need to confront. I spoke about that last week. Today I want to give you some quick bullet points on HOW TO CONFRONT SOMEONE.

• Sooner Rather than Later. The longer the wait – two things will happen. Firstly, you are more likely to bottle it. Secondly, the person will keep doing it wrong and causing more trouble. The shorter the wait – firstly, you will not have to remember all the details, they will be fresh in your mind so that you will not be contradicted by someone chancing it; secondly, it means the person might still be soft and raw after doing it, so you have a real window to help them.
• Confront the Action Rather than The Person. We are not in the business of condemning people and making them feel useless, we are in the business of discipling people by supporting them, encouraging them, loving them – while we explain to them why certain of their behaviours are wrong.
• What the Person Can Control, Rather than Anything He Cannot. If you ask someone to change something they cannot control, you will just frustrate them.
• Kindly Rather than Roughly. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt, assume that they did what they did with a pure heart and with good motives. Many areas are open to interpretation and do not assume you know why someone did what they did.
• Specifically Rather than Generally. Do not tell someone “do better”, be specific. If there are no specifics, perhaps you are just jumping to conclusions. Perhaps your assumptions are false and you need to check them!
• Calmly rather than angrily. We all get angry in different ways, I tend to sarcasm when I am angry. Confronting someone over their behaviour is the wrong place for sarcasm! Trust me, I have learned that the hard way. Anger means you are dealing with the person, not the situation. Be very careful.
• Narrowly not broadly. Never use the word never. Always avoid using the word always! If I tell someone “never ever do that” – it’s not a rule, when actually I want my leaders to be thinkers and leaders, not slaves to rules. I will tell them – think about this, is this the right time to do this, is this the right way to do it, because mostly it is not. The exceptions to this are moral issues. You can very much tell anyone in your church “Never commit adultery”, “always treat people kindly” and so on. But in things that are not moral, but a matter of style – such as “never preach three hours” – maybe there is a time for it, and you need your people to be aware of that. Selah.
• State Your Feelings Rather than Vomit Them. Nothing wrong will telling someone “I was disappointed by that”, “that really wound me up” and explain why. But stop those feelings and harness them before you have the actual conversation! Don’t vent at someone while confronting them.
• Future Minded not Past Minded. Can you give the person a plan for the future? Ok, they did something wrong, and you are standing them down as an elder let’s say, but will you reconsider in a year. Is there something they can listen to? How can they prove their character is changing, and you can trust them again? Give people a plan to progress (don’t be upset if they throw it in your face, but still give them a plan).
• Affirm Rather than Assassinate. I have had to stand down a couple of elders in the last 12 years, it is not easy, but I have never stood them down as a friend. Some people talk about the confrontation sandwich. Bread of friendship, confront as leader, bread of friendship. That way the conversation starts and ends affirming the person has value.
• Positive Rather than Negative. Make sure that person walks away knowing not just “I have messed up” but “my leader loves me and cares for me, and has my best interests at heart”. Or at the very least you know you tried your hardest to convey that to them.

Confrontation is a time to grow. It’s like pruning a tree to enable more fruit.

It’s hard work to reward people for good behaviour. Well done for starting another two churches, here is a payrise. Well done for ushering so well, here is a card. Well done for forgiving that person, let me praise you. It takes energy and effort and time, but it is fairly easy.

Confronting bad behaviour is much harder. Most of us know there is a chance that we will be disliked, rejected, upset someone, even make them angry and no one wants to do that.

But here is a principle that I have found is ABSOLUTE AND TOTAL TRUTH. This principle cannot and will never be broken. Have I made it clear that this principle is invioable? It truly is. Read it carefully: Not confronting bad behaviour will always make things worse.

The whole church (or business) will suffer because there is someone in it not behaving well, with the best interest of the whole church in their heart. Secondly, you will suffer. You will be less effective if a leader you have raised up is lying, gossiping, failing to represent and reflect you and your intentions, coming with their own agenda and so on. Finally, and most importantly, by you as the leader of leaders failing to confront someone you are a thief. Yes, you are. You are stealing an opportunity for someone to repent, grow and get on track at a crucial part of their life! Do not be a thief – be the opportunity someon needs.

Gently, in love, let that person know what they are doing or failing to do that means they are not helping themselves or the church.

The main reason we do not confront is pure selfishness, we are more concerned about being disliked than the whole church being healthy. And confrontation is not always bad, often it leads to change, and the person grows and we grow and it’s awesome. But you must do it right – which will be the subject of next week’s post, but right now – the key is simple – it must be done!

You need to encourage the leaders you are leading to raise the bar as high as possible. Let’s say you put 100% effort into running the ministry, and you delegate it to someone else. Let’s say the youth ministry. Let’s say the new youth pastor only gives 80%, you are happy with that, because you were doing too much anyway and you are just glad the youth are being cared for. And 80% isn’t too bad, it’s still very good, right? But when the youth pastor delegates to a youth leader, what if they only do 60% of what you are talking about. Then they delegate, only 40% gets done. If your youth group grows anymore, some of your leaders will literally be doing nothing.

If your goal is mediocrity rather than excellence, people you are leading will produce what is barely acceptable, and the people they are leading will not even do that, they will lower the bar so much you will not believe it.

Excellence is not about capability, it is very much a character issue. The success of whatever you are leading will never go beyond your character, and excellence is a character issue. You should expect your leaders to turn up on time, do their paperwork, get involved, use their initiative and do what is excellent. If not, you have to have a word with them, and if they do not become excellent then you need to start dealing with that. It’s part of the job of leading leaders.

If you expect 100% from your leaders, they will expect 100% from the people they are leading, and that will mean you lead a near to 100% excellent organization.

Selah.

When you learn something new or encounter a new idea, it generally starts on a visual level. You see it. We use seeing language a lot with new ideas – “oh I see it”, “I can see that now”, “It’s all clear now”.

So, step one is a visual step. People need the space to see a new idea. Let’s stay God speaks to me, and tells me as the leader of Tree of Life Family to start a church in, let’s say, Cardiff. Now what I need as a leader of leaders is for the other leaders to SEE IT. I need to paint a picture of how I am going to have meetings, where they are going to be, what is going to happen. I need people to see Tree of Life Cardiff. Then they see it, they go “I see it”, and that’s awesome.

Now for me, and for many leaders, that seeing is enough, we want to go to the DO IT stage next. Just hire a hall, pick a date, start advertising. That’s great, but as a leader of leaders, and as someone committed to raising leaders, you need to give other people stage 2, FEEL IT.

Just because someone who is with you sees it, does not mean that they immediately feel it. That is an assumption I have made too many times and got it wrong most of the time. Many people need to SEE IT, then FEEL IT, then DO IT.

We must give people space to FEEL IT before we move to the DO IT stage. People need a chance to process their emotions and that cannot be done instantly.

People might see that we are going to plant a church in Cardiff, they might see why we need a church in Cardiff, they have seen that God is calling us to do it. but they have not yet processed their emotions – for many reasons:

1. They might not feel confident enough to step up. If one of our pastors is going to be in Cardiff, people may realize and SEE that someone else might need to preach more at home, but they might not FEEL capable or confident to do that.
2. They might not feel up to the change. All progress requires change. They might not feel like change is good – they like things the way they are. They struggled to change enough to get where they are, and now you are talking about more change! It takes time to process those feelings. We have to allow people the emotional space to do that.
3. Other leaders who are with you, that you are leading, will not have the faith you do. That is not an insult, you are fellow workers and you know you could not do what you do without them, but there is a reason you are leading what you are leading. People need space to feel what you feel automatically because it is your dream. If we fail to give them that space, we will bruise them. Trust me, I know. Most people’s first reaction to growth and increase is not excitement, it’s terror! We need to let people have emotional space.

I am not saying be duplicitious with people, but it is not necessary to tell everyone all your dream all the time. Do not tell someone what it costs to go on TV every month if they are struggling to believe God for a new sofa. You will bruise them. Do not tell someone how much travelling you do a month if a twenty-minute commute to work crushes them. Do not tell people how you had to correct someone else in the team over a certain sin, if they are struggling to forgive their family. Part of being the senior leader is protecting people from the whole weight on your back. You delegate what people can take and what they are designed to do. You need to know your team and in your planning for the future you need to plan FEEL IT time for your people as you present new ideas. That time needs to be in your timeline.

There are two special groups of people who you need to make sure get enough FEEL IT time when you are stepping into something new:

1. Anyone who is going to be involved. Often when I am planting a new church, I have a good idea of who will be pastoring it. often before they have an idea. That’s part of the grace of God on my life as an apostle. I often see the call of God on someone before they do. Now, previously I would wait until they saw it, but that is not enough. I need to wait until they FEEL IT too. If you need someone to fly an aeroplane for you, make sure they feel it before they get in the cockpit.
2. Anyone who is leading anyone who is going to be involved. If you take someone’s assistant from them, they are going to FEEL something, and you need to let them process it.

Make sure that people have the emotional space to process the change of the progress you are making, that way you will effectively raise leaders who will then be able to raise leaders themselves.

We grow better with company. You should find someone about the same level as you, same sort of age, income, influence and ask them to be your leadership brother.

Then, on purpose, you share your challenges, your insights, what you are reading, what you are learning and what you are dreaming. Let them share with you.

There are many benefits to this:

1. It forces you to work out how to communicate your new learning and insights. That is very powerful.

2. It builds your relationship with another person. No one has enough close relationships.

3. It holds you accountable to keep learning and growing.

4. You will learn so much and have so many conversations that are actually fruitful.

The better a leader you are the better a leader you can make people. If you want to lead leaders – what are you reading? How are you reading the Bible? What is your plan for prayer? What are you doing daily to grow and develop?

You becoming better, you walking with God, you learning to lead, you developing the character and capacity to lead better is never going to happen by accident. It needs a plan, a daily routine and a commitment not to be distracted. I am currently in Alabama, but I have still prayed daily, I have still read large parts of the Bible, I have still studied and developed – because I have a plan, and I stick to it. It is in my calendar and is the most important part of my calendar. I guard my time that I spend walking with God and developing myself, because nothing else matters as much.

If you do not pray and study the Word and work on yourself daily, at least Monday to Friday, you are not going to ever develop the capacity to lead leaders. It does not have to be the same thing every day, for me it works better if it does. I have a set amount of time daily that I pray, read the Word, listen to sermons, consider certain situations, make certain declarations, and I guard that time “religiously”. Because I want to grow. I am reading new books and I am on three different courses right now because I need to grow. My future and the future of many others depends on me growing.

Another key that might help is this – can you learn more in wasted time? Terri Savelle changed her life by listening to CDs of preachers in her car over rock music. That could be any of us. Waiting for a plane? What can you do? Stuck in traffic? What could you be listening to?

Selah.

• Find out what they want. Everybody wants something. Now somethings will disqualify someone from leadership, people who want a lifestyle that doesn’t honour Christ, someone who wants to sow discord, but even among disciples of Jesus we have a variety of good motives and wants out of leadership. Most people will, especially if you are good at maintaining relationships will tell you what they want, others are less forthcoming and you have to work with that as the leader of leaders. Do they want to travel more, travel less, teach more, evangelise more, be in small groups more. Some things are impossible to accommodate, other things you could change and help your leaders find a better place and a happier place. Some people need a thank you in private, others prefer in private. Some people dream of international ministry, others would hate it. A big part of your job as a leader of leaders is to help get the round pegs in the round holes.
• Listen to them. I will admit I used to struggle with this, and the good news is I am improving. When I moved to Dagenham and planted a church, then started planted more churches, I had so much opposition it was supernatural. Everyone came out of the woodwork to challenge us, to tell us what couldn’t be done. I had to learn how to be tough, thick skinned and say no over and over to people who wanted to kill our Moses while it was still a baby. Now, twelve years on I am surrounded by people who love me and want Tree of Life to win, and I have learned to say yes. I still say no too, but it’s not my automatic when someone brings me an idea. We need to learn to listen to those we raise up. You are never the one with all the good ideas. You are just not that great. If you do use someone else’s idea, give them the credit and praise. Let everyone know how much they helped. Even if you say no, still thank the person for their idea and praise it. It’s probably not a bad idea, just not the best idea, so do that or you create a culture where no one can make a suggestion to you, you will miss great ideas.

Unless you are a leader of leaders you are not great. You are not the best. You might be smart, might be capable, might be charismatic, might be charming. However, if you are not leading leaders you are not reaching your potential. Your greatest calling is to raise other people to become leaders.

I will tell you the number one reason that most leaders do not raise up leaders. That most pastors cannot point to another pastor they have raised up. The answer is simple and stark: laziness. It is hard work to do it.

John Maxwell tells the story of a pastor who quit the ministry, and because of links to the funeral industry, started a new job as a funeral director. He said “I spent three years trying to help Jimmy, but Jimmy was still an alcoholic. I spent a year trying to help Steve and Susan’s marriage, but they still divorced. I spent two years trying to get Rob off drugs, but he is still on drugs. Now, when I sort them out at the funeral home, they stay sorted”. Yes – dealing with the dead is harder than dealing with the living, but it is not as rewarding.

Living humans need constant work. Just when you think they are getting somewhere they take a step backwards, and listen carefully – developing and raising up people is a whole magnitude harder than just nurturing and comforting people. Any fool can prophesy, but to pastor and raise up pastors takes energy, will, effort and care.

We must go beyond caring for people and helping them grow. We must stop focusing on people’s needs and focus on their potential. It’s more than relationships, it’s transformationships we need – relationships that transform people and bring them to the next level of leadership.

I am not a manager, I am not a repairer of broken machines, I am a pastor, and I am a leader and I raise up and bear the fruit of leaders. I am not here to maintain Tree of Life until I die, I am here to multiply it, I am not here to establish anything, I am here to release something. That is the challenge for every leader and pastor, and one we absolutely must take seriously.

It’s great to help people but how about we mentor them. It’s great to meet needs, but let’s shape characters. Some people will sulk when you give them what they need not what they want, do it anyway. It’s about growth that spans generations. Too many churches pass away when leader #1 passes away, but the truth is there is no success without a successor.

It is hard work to do this but the survival of the church is utterly dependant on it. Stop being a poor leader and start being a great leader. Help others be their best self, develop good character, and reach potential.

Amen!

I meet my pastor’s every week, on Zoom as we live so far away from each other. I have a loose structure for these meetings.

• THE POSITIVE. Always start with the positive, either I tell them something positive – we have paid this conference in full, we are ready for this, we are planting a new church, God said this to me, or I let the pastors tell me the positives of the weekend – people who got saved, new people, healings, people growing and stepping out.
• THE FUTURE. We need to inspire people to look forward. Sometimes we get so caught up in the day to day work of ministry we forget we as a fellowship of churches are going somewhere. We need to keep casting vision of the future, and let people know where we are going. It helps inspire people and also a little intimidation to make them realize if we are growing they need to grow too (in a good way)
• THE CONTENT. I don’t do much in the way of this or that, in these meetings i am normally reactive. Someone will suggest they have a problem, and I and often the others in the team will give advice on how to handle that problem.
• FINALLY, ADMIN THINGS. We need to make sure people know what they need to know!

These meetings often last two hours or more because we are also fellowshipping, joking, learning about each other, finding out we often face the same problems. If you make sure these four things are there, with a healthy dose of fellowship then you will have good leadership meetings.

How often should you check up on people who you have given leadership positions or roles too? It depends! On…

• How important is the task. If your church is going to fail if the task is not done, it’s a good idea to check up quite a bit. There’s nothing wrong with you getting more involved in the most important and crucial areas of your leadership!
• How hard is the task. If you have given someone a very hard and taxing job, you need to check up on them and encourage them more, answer questions more, and help them more. You need to make sure the person is supportive as much as possible!
• How new is the person to the task. If they have never done it before, keep an eye on them. If they are adaptive and have done it before, then that’s probably fine to let them get on with it.
• How new is the person to any task. If someone is a new leader, they don’t know you as well, how you work, how you solve problems. Also they have no track record of success. You need to ensure they develop confidence and a flow quickly.
• What is the person’s track record. There are some people I can leave jobs with and I know they will get on with it, others need more oversight. That’s just life!

When I check up on people I will start by asking how they feel about the job they are doing, I also tell them how I feel about them doing it. Then we look at what they have done and how well it has been done. I ask if there are obstacles, often one of the best things you can do as a leader of leaders is remove obstacles.

Then give some constructive help and feedback, encouragement and motivation. Thank the person for what they are doing.